Flatline – I’ve been hearing it in my head for the past few days. There’s a good chance it wasn’t just my head, but maybe my spirit, too.
In the midst of hearing “Flatline”, I’ve been feeling very dull and uninspired – about so many things. I’ve been feeling the pull to write or even create in general but when I’ve set out to do that, it’s like there’s nothing to pull from, no reserves to tap into, kind of like my brain or spirit has flatlined – died. It’s not sadness or depression I’m feeling, that’s so not it. I believe it’s more like I have been living in a fog of fatigue –just too tired to think and no motivation to push through.
For the past few weeks my schedule has been so full that I haven’t gotten much rest or sleep at night. I know that doing that over an extended period of time can take a toll on you. But then add stress to the equation and you have a recipe for burnout – at the very least. I think I may have been experiencing this and the Holy Spirit has been sending me warning signals.
Since this fogginess, business or whatever it is has arrived, I have not felt like sharing or interacting with anyone: it would take too much effort. All I’ve wanted to do really was go and hide somewhere, disappear maybe and take a nap. But that’s not really true, it’s a lie. I know this. These “feelings” are not the problem; they are the result of something else. I love interacting with people! I consider so many of you my family. I also know that yes, I’ve been burning the candle at both ends -but to not want to engage with people to get revitalized is just plain dumb. I KNOW this. But I’ve been too blah to tend to it.
It’s like when Gideon was hiding from the Midianites in the winepress, sifting wheat. I’ve been hiding…from what, I don’t know. Myself I guess. What I do know is that I haven’t been engaging and absolutely haven’t felt like I had anything to contribute anyway. I’ve been spending time “just getting by” and not reaching out at all. Oh the excuse in my head says I’m simply too busy to interact right now, so I came into agreement with it.
A mutiny had been going on! In my exhaustion, my body has been dictating terms and I believe it has been getting its way. That’s not good. Not good at all.
And so it has been going…
Friday I was reading a post that Rob Coscia posted and it brought to mind the song by Danny Gokey, Tell Your Heart to Beat Again, and I went to YouTube to take a listen.
The version I chose happened to be the one in which Danny tells the back-story of the song. I had only heard the abridged version so when I heard the full story, it really hit me. It made me break down and cry. I had a hard time stopping. Why was that?
I didn’t realize the Holy Spirit was speaking to me through it and because of that, my spirit was crying out for a restart! It was saying, it’s time to live again! I should have listened…
A few hours later I’m still hearing the word Flatline…and again I’m back to where I was prior to hearing that song; feeling nothing but ambivalence and lethargy. Everything was pretty much; eh, I’m just tired. (What a confession!!)
I worked a double shift on Saturday and got home about 11 O’clock. Paul was already in bed so I poured a glass of wine and played with the cats for a few minutes then returned an Instant Message from Amy, got in the shower and went to bed. I had no desire to even turn on my computer. I wasn’t sad or depressed, or even having a pity party; just in a fog of numb exhaustion.
On Sunday, Paul and I both had the day off so we took advantage of it by taking two long naps each. When we weren’t napping, we were either hanging out talking or we were eating. We both needed some time to unwind and rest, some time to simply be and let go of things that may or may not need doing; or even get done.
Before lying down and taking a nap for the second time, I made a short post about the word Flatline on my wall and then I took a nap.
I slept for over 2 hours.
While I was making dinner, Paul asked if I had seen the comments on the post I had made. I had not. Jesse had commented on my post and said that “Flatline went right along with the live video he was planning to do later that evening.” That got my attention. I thought, really?? So of course I went to his wall to see what he was talking about. He had posted that the upcoming video would be titled, “The night of the living dead.” I thought what in the world? But after pondering a moment I realized that Flatline was a term used when someone’s heart stopped beating, aka had died. (And I promise, it was a great word despite a first reaction of the title!)
Hmmm, no wonder that song caused a reaction in me! It finally clicked! Someone said, “Clear!” and the paddles hit my chest! It was time to tell MY heart to beat again.
I watched Jesse’s video about a half hour after he posted it; I didn’t get to see it live. Wish I had but since I didn’t know about it, it wasn’t possible.
While watching and listening I heard, as if from a megaphone, “Spirit Rise! It’s time to live again!” This entire message started clearing the fog in my head so my heart could beat again and my spirit could begin to take charge again.
Here’s the link to the song by Danny Gokey https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUHRDCYnFfg
And here’s the link to Jesse’s live video. (I promise, it wasn’t just a message for me!)
One more thing…
This morning, I woke up with the lyrics, “Building a mystery” playing in my head/spirit. It’s a Sarah McLachlan song. I went to YouTube and looked it up. Guess what the first two lines of the lyrics are? You come out at night, that’s when the energy comes. I thought it was pretty interesting considering the name of Jesse’s word the night before, (Night of the Living Dead). AND, it’s not so gruesome…go listen to his word. In part, he was saying (paraphrase): “it’s time to wake up, come up out of your stupor.” (And lot’s more)
Side note: Lisa Perna was doing a live video and speaking pretty much on this topic today, too. One thing she mentioned caught my attention: Thoughts have sound…energy, if you will, and it reminded me of the second line of the lyrics I looked up: that’s when the energy comes.
God is speaking to me…
Let me get the cares of the world from the forefront of my mind and look to see not only what He’s doing, but also to hear what He’s saying. I know in Him is the rest I seek. Not in a list of things that need to be done first! And if I want to find it, I need to Let Him be the forefront of everything I do.
I thought He was….
Be attentive to your spirit; it matters. It matters a lot.